It's times like these when I feel so helpless, when longing eyes stare at me with hope for help. With illness everywhere I look, unsanitary conditions filling the building, and emotions running high, I can do nothing but pray. Pray that these people will soon be able to escape this place, pray that they will be healed and that money with miraculously appear so that their imprisonment will be over with.
You see, the hospital of Nakuru Kenya is the last place I want to be when doing ministry. The conditions are so bad that patients have to share beds, others lay on the ground. They hold the patients in this hospital until they can pay to be discharged. So they sit there for months and months because nobody can pay for their way out. I see their IV needle placed horribly in their hands covered with blood, their hospital beds elevated with slabs of concrete, and doctors holding ex rays up to the windows in order to see the picture.
My heart breaks.
I go from bed to bed hearing horrible stories each time of malaria- even cerebral malaria, pneumonia, broken bones, stomach illnesses, you name it. I have no money in my pockets and no money in the bank account. So I rack my brain to think of things I could possibly do for these people, and all I can think to do is pray.
(My new friend Mary who is stuck in the hospital until the doctors find her some blood. They have been looking for a week and have told her it may take a long time.)
So then we begin to leave with hearts shattered. As we are leaving, my team and I watch two people dragging a lady out of the waiting room and bring her to the ground. The lady is hysterically screaming and crying. I wanted to run to her and pray over her, tell her it will be okay. Luckily the hospital Chaplin requested for us to go pray for her. When we got to her we found out that her twenty year old daughter JUST died in the waiting room. The body was within twenty feet away, still in the waiting room while the shock and reality hit the family outside. With this news,
my team’s already broken hearts was in pieces.
After my team laid hands on her and prayed for a few minutes, I was able to have our pastor translate for me. With my shaking voice I told her to “Find strength in the Lord. Through him all things are possible. Ask him for strength and courage, and he will help you.” By this time my shaky voice has cracked into attempting not to cry. “I know this is really hard right now, but all things happen for a reason. Keep faith in Him!” I couldn’t say anymore and began to cry along with my teammates. All I could do was pray.
Here is a hospital that people are dying waiting in the waiting rooms for hours for a bed in which healthy people are sitting in because they can’t pay their way out. Here is a hospital that the sanitation levels are not much help for healing. Here is a hospital in which I am helpless. All I can do is pray. This seems like the smallest thing in the world that I could do. I wish I could pay for all the healthy people to go home, for all the unhealthy people to get proper treatment, and for the broken bones to get casts rather than an elevated bed and metal rods on both sides of their legs to straighten them, but I can’t. ALL I can do is pray. I cannot carry this burden. It has to be the Lord’s.
Prayer is a powerful thing, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough. I am only but a child taking on the big world, when I should let the man bigger than the world take care of these things.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways” declares the Lord – Isaiah 55:8
You catch yourself saying “Where’d you get a baby?!? I want one!” and then go on a baby hunt.
When Charades becomes the game of communication in every culture.
When you see a motor bike fly by with a barrel of pigs, a bath tub or a headless cow strapped on the back (true story).
When you show off a new plain V-neck t-shirt to everyone in the room, and they are actually excited for you.
When you find out the “Passion of The Christ” is in Aramaic……. Not French.
When you’ve gained so much weight that numerous people have congratulated you on your future baby!!! (Thanks, thanks, I’m super excited…….)
When you order an Asian crepe with chocolate and end up with a surprise chocolate hotdog crepe! Mmmmm.
When you always feel like a celebrity except all the paparazzi want in the pictures too.
When you get laughed at every time you attempt the other language.
When you sit in a church service for five hours and are lucky to understand any of it but still yell “AMEN” “HALLELUJUA!” just for fun.
When you think to yourself, “Yep, I’m getting feedback tonight.”
When over half the squad has gotten either a piercing, at least one tattoo or dreads.
When you prefer baby wipes over toilet paper because it’s cleaner…. But there’s always the pages out of your journal when there’s nothing else available!
When people beg you to let their fish eat the skin from the bottom of your feet.
When you end up living with that one person you didn’t want to end up with.
When chickens in the house is no big deal.
When you go to great lengths to get internet, and then you sit there for hours trying to make it work.
When you dread going back to America where nobody will understand any of your inside jokes.
When words become “Banana gram-able”.
When you have officially seen every movie and tv show on your hard drive…. And everybody else’s.
When the Lord turns your whole world upside down.
When you’ve had the “Hardest, best year of your life”, just like the alumni at training camp explained it.
When you can list how you and your views have changed.
When the word “Ministry” comes up in your future plans way more than in the past.
When you put your trust in the Lord every day.
When the “person you want to be” and the “Way you want to live” becomes more of a reality than a dream.
When you thank the Lord every day for loving you enough to send you on such an amazing journey.
Here’s my team going home from a Malaysian feast after a long day of painting and cleaning the church. I pop in my headphones and listen to some worship music while my eyes are scanning the outside world of Malaysia quickly passing by. “I’m in Malaysia”, or whatever the country it may be at the time seems to be a reoccurring thought throughout the different countries we go to every month on the World Race. My mind starts to go into shock as if I’m realizing for the first time that I have in fact not been in America for six and a half months. I smile at God with tears in my eyes thanking him for keeping me going so long and sending me on this amazing adventure. I arrive home and snuggle into my cozy sleeping bag and blow up sleeping pad on the floor that I like to call “bed” and drift off to sleep.
The morning arrives much too quickly. My team and I grab a bite to eat while listening to a teammate give this morning’s devotional. “Great, two more days and it’ll be my turn to somehow think up this great devotional. The day the pigs will fly, is within 48 hours” I think to myself. We sit around waiting for our ride who is two hours late, trying to not to get frustrated. We jump in the rickety old van in which dies when we stop at red lights and arrive at the church. Paint, paint, paint…. Oh, it’s eight hours later? Yup, were still painting! My shirt is disgustingly drenched in sweat, I am dizzy and in need of a serious attitude check. I keep working though and try my best to keep the front of having a positive attitude. “I am blessing these people. I am working for the Lord!” I have to remind myself.
I receive the unwanted news of waking up the next day to begin painting at seven the next morning. I put on a smile and say “Okay!” excitedly. We finally get in the rickety red van and head home from an extremely long day and I’m exhausted. My teammate sees me picking my lip which is my nervous habit and the only thing that holds me together most of the time. She gets my attention and silently words the normal “Stopppp.” I lose the only thing holding my exhaustion together and I begin to silently cry in the back seat without anybody noticing. “God, please mulitiply my sleep and hydration tonight.” Sometimes it’s funny how one day’s tears of joy can be the next day’s tears of mental and physical exhaustion.
Of course we get back and my team leader’s first words when arriving home are “FEEEEEEEDBAAAAAACK”, so the whole team (and all of Malaysia…. Just kidding) will know to join together for that special time every night we get to tell each other our day’s thoughts and feelings. “Oh, you mean five minute, speed feedback?” I half way jokingly blurted out. Luckily my teammates felt the same way and agreed, half way jokingly as well.
God has proved to me that he is all I need. The World Race has changed me. God has changed me. I am now a Kingdom worker. I am now a woman who will work as hard as possible even if at the end of the night I have to have my moment, and I will still thank God for sending me here. I am here for a purpose and if that purpose is to paint for eight hours straight, then that’s what I will do. God He gives me peace in nights where I don’t know how I’ll get up in the morning- still, not in America, in a nice warm bed, and with my friends and family. When it gets frustrating, he’s here. When I am happy, he’s here. When I get tired, he’s here. When I get called to travel the world for a year in his name, he’s here. There’s no place I’d rather be, then here in his love.
This is a sample platter of three short blogs about three different things! Enjoy :-)
I’ve had times on the World Race that are not my proudest moments. I’ve had times that I have let my emotions take over and not allow any other sense of reason or truth to enter my head. When people try to give me advice I immediately shut them out with my anger because “They don’t understand.” Being on the World Race is hard and sure not a vacation. The situations you’re in, the people you’re around, the things going on back home, your emotions and your hormones can take over your maturity, your words and unfortunately how you affect others. These are the things that have happened for the past few days and also some times in the past month and I have not handled it in the right way. So, I publicly apologize to those who I’ve offended by these things and for the attitude I’ve had afterwards. I have had a lot of prayer time (as you’ll read on the next blog sample below), and something popped into my head this morning...
God uses the best movie of all time (in which I have even spoke of in past blogs) to convict and teach me things when I need to. In one of the scenes of Remember the Titans, Peetie is arguing with Gary about how their racism is affecting their playing and how their attitude is making it even worse. This morning, a line in which Peetie says to the leader of the team popped into my mind; “Attitude reflects leadership, captain.” Although I am not the leader of this team, and I have a leader who has authority over what we do, I have the authority over my attitude. I have the leadership over myself- I have to lead myself to greatness, I have to lead myself to Jesus, I have to lead myself in trusting in God, I have to lead myself into a better attitude and from there- let it all go into the Lord’s hands where it all should be. I just have to take the first step.
Moving onward, with the news update. We are now working in Malaysia with the most Holy Spirit led, on fire for God people I’ve ever seen. They don’t sleep. Last night, they were at the church until past 1:00am worshipping and then came back at 5:30am to worship at pray again. There is a worship activity at this church every single day. Church and God IS these people’s lives. I know I’m going to grow and learn so much in this month that God’s blessed me with. Thank you for those who have prayed for a stable ministry for my team this month. God answers prayers! I will be writing a blog soon about this ministry and the orphanage I visited yesterday. I will be working harder this month to blog.
Next order at hand, my teammate Nikki. She is in some financial trouble and needs your help. She only has a few days to raise a little over $1,000. This really is not a big amount at all. We can do it with trust in God that he will bless you for your donating to a complete stranger. If she doesn’t raise this money, she will be going home which would be very incredibly sad. She is so incredibly wise and has so much kind and wise advice whenever we need it. She has been through a lot and knows how it feels to be in most of the situations I’ve been through. I need her here with me! Please help her stay! I pray that you feel a stirring in your heart to help a sister in Christ out and bless the socks off of my team of six girls. To donate click here to go to her blog, and click on her "Support Me" button on the left column!
(Nikki and I in Thailand after getting lathered in baby powder as a Thai wedding tradition)
Thanks for always taking the time to read up on what’s going on with me! Thanks for your prayers and I hope they continue. The mission field is growing increasingly more difficult the more time we’re here. Happy Good Friday. Remember to thank the Lord for dying for us so we may be free.
Ever since I can remember, the church has told something that I’ve carried with me my whole life. “There are three things you can do to be a Christian and to be close to God.” Anybody know this one? “Go to church, read the bible and pray.” Being told this so many times, I began to be brainwashed in this idea. My thought process developed that “I go to church every Sunday and most Wednesdays, I pray whenever I need to and I read my bible on Sundays.” I always felt like a bad Christian because I was never consistent with these three things. So when I decided to go on the World Race, I was relieved that I would be a “better Christian” and be closer to God because I will pray more, go to church and read the bible more consistently.
I’m now officially half way done on the world race and in the midst of month six. I read the bible every day, I pray a lot more, and I go to church every time it’s an option. Since I now do what I’ve always been told I should be doing, I realized that what I’ve been told is not the truth. I can pray, read my bible everyday and go to church every week but still not be close to God. I feel like I’ve been brainwashed to think if I do these things, the pearly gates will swing open for me and all of Heaven will jump up and down with excitement to see me! All because I followed the three things I’ve always been told I should do to be closer with God. Nope, not the case. The truth is children, it’s all about your heart. You give your heart to God, you’ll be close with him. I can go to my friend’s talent show performance, read her notes she writes to me, and talk to her whenever it’s necessary, and still not be close with her. It’s the fact that I’m giving her my heart while watching her perform, that I’m thoroughly interested in her thoughts and want to know her heart when I read her notes to me and fully give her all my attention and heart to her while talking and listening to her that makes us closer.
Sometimes I wonder, am I doing these things “I’m supposed to” just to do them for tally marks on my score board in Heaven or am I truly giving my whole heart in this to actually be closer to God? So I say yes to what God wants me to do. I say yes to giving my heart in reading his word, in giving him my full attention when we talk, and not just simply going through these motions. It’s not about the pearly gates swinging open. It’s about me and my father loving eachother and me giving him as much as possible because I know he already gives me everything.
So how about you? Do you say yes today? Do you want to become closer to the one who loves you the most? Give him everything today, because he does it for you.
It’s so funny how God hijacks things. He hijacks our plans, our wants, our thoughts, and also our blogs. As I was sitting here typing, I have a probable fever, and have felt sick the past three days. My team leader/ roommate for the month offered to put on a sermon to listen to. As I’m listening, I heard something that I have to share. I actually wrote half of a blog speaking about what we’ve done the past week and how we have moved to a different district in Vietnam in order to do better work, and how I have to use the word “work” instead of the “minist..” word due to it being a closed country. Then I rambled on some more, but God totally hijacked my plans, my thoughts, and my blog. Here’s what he wanted me to share.
This man named Bart Compolo spoke of how when he was seven years old, his father woke him up at seven o clock am every Saturday in order to wash the family car with his father. He told the college aged congregation of how he loved going crazy with the water hose. He says something along the lines of “It probably took three times as much time as it would if he just did it himself”. His dad was going to wash the car anyways, but wanted his son to do it with him. Why? Because he loves his son. He wants to simply spend time with his son. This is the same with God. He speaks on how God has all these commandments in the Bible, and things he says for us to do such as “raise the dead to life, heal the sick, love the least of these”. He doesn’t say for us to do those things because he will love us more if we do them! He will love us the exact same amount as he would if we did the exact opposite. He loves us the same no matter what we do!! So why in the world would he tell us to do all these things if it doesn’t make him love us anymore?!?
Because he wants to spend time with us, because he loves us. That is what He is doing! He is raising the dead, healing the sick and loving on the least of these! He loves us! He wants us to spend time with him, and he with us! He wants us to love the things he loves to do! He wants us to be like him just like Compolo wanted to be like his father. He wants us to do the same things he does, simply- to spend time with him.
This hit home pretty well with me. I have always thought that if I don’t do these things then I am a bad Christian, or I will go farther down on something like God’s book of “Good and Naughty” lists. I won’t! He loves me just the same! He’s not only “pleased” with me when I do such things (as I previously thought), but he just wants to spend time with me. He wants me to do and love the things that he does. That’s all.
Jesus Loves All His Little Children The Same, No Matter What Age Or Nationality.
One day in April, I was driving home from just an average day at work when I was thinking about where my life was going. I have a job in which is great some days, and horrible some days- but pays super well, I am going to college and working my butt off for a degree that I’m not even sure if I want anymore, I don’t really have many friends, and I feel like I’m going nowhere. I thought about the possibility of simply taking some time off of school, working, living life, and trying to find something greater and figure out what I want to do. That’s when the thought hit me- the World Race. It would be one year off of school to figure out what I really want to do, it would be a year to figure out who I really am, to find out where I’m supposed to go with my life. I tried to block out these thoughts from my mind as I was worried about my family (what would they think?!), or my student loans (how would I pay for those?!), or just simply fears (what if I get hurt or sick?!). Still I could not stop thinking about it, I would open my bible asking God to show me what I should do- and he leads me to Mathew 19:29- “And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” Well how in the world am I supposed to pass that up!?!
Yet so many tears and fears were put into this journey.
Here I am in Cambodia, leaving for Vietnam in a few days and entering into month six. MONTH SIX! I’ve made it half way! Without being injured, been in danger, or without being seriously sick! God knew my fears, given me strength to go through with this World Race thing, and blessed them so much! Everything I worried about, God has taken care of. I cannot believe how much God has blessed me on this journey. I become so overwhelmed with how much he loves me and takes care of me.
So far on the race, I’ve seen two people accept the Lord through the work of my team, I’ve seen poor people who live on dirt floors find hope in the Lord, I’ve seen a blind man see, a crippled man dance and feel like he was twenty again, many more miracles and great works from the Lord. All because my God loves me so much to bless my time here, allow me to work for his kingdom and take care of my fears. Half way done of the journey that will set the pace for the rest of my life. Cambodia, I will miss your beautiful village children. These children have put a stamp on my heart forever.
This month in Cambodia, we are serving the least of these. The children who do not have clothes, and if they do- it’s clothes they wear every day and are like dirty pieces of thin cloth. We teach English to kids the age of 3-18. If these kids succeed in learning English, they will actually have a chance at getting a job. This isn’t just teaching them English, but teaching the love of God, teaching the basics of what God has for us. The children who are younger than 10, know about seven VBS songs including “Our God is so BIG!” and “I’ve got the joy down in my heart”. They have taught me so much just in the few days of being there. One of the girls has a stub as a hand and little balls on the stubs in which were supposed to be her fingers. On her other hand, her pointer finger is also not complete. I cannot even explain how much this girl does not allow her hand to stop her even a little bit, even to the point of me wondering if she realizes she doesn’t have a functional hand or fingers. Of course she does, but she will play “Red Rover” like a professional athlete, she claps and sings VBS songs like she wrote them, she gives her stubby hand to anyone she sees to dance and play with them, and she even plays “Rock, Paper , Scissors!”
This makes me think about my insecurities. Everything about my body is fully formed and nothing strange. My insecurities are the ones that nobody sees (or pays attention to) such as; the new cellulite on my thighs, my fear of leading worship songs (leading by playing guitar and singing), my fear of people not liking me or judging me. I constantly act and say the things that I think will be liked by the people around, when this girl jumps and sings and plays like nobody’s business.
I’ve always been very extremely self aware while worshipping. I’ve had moments where I’m like “Man, I want to dance with God” and would really like to dance during worshipping, but don’t because other people are in the room. This girl gives me this inspiration, and today I took my new freedom. Today I captured what it truly means to have “Childlike faith”. To just be the father’s child and to be simply in his presence and to simply worship him. Today I danced and jumped for the Lord during worship just as children do. I prayed today “I constantly want to be as excited for you as I am about ice cream!!!” Now if that’s not a childlike thought, I don’t know what is!
I challenge all of us to be more childlike with our faith. God wants us to be childlike because as adults, we over think things. God doesn’t care about how we want to sound mature during praying out loud! God just wants us to be simply like we should be! Maybe God just wants to hear a simple “I LOVE YOU!” When was the last time you just stopped your day for a second to simply tell your father you love him? Don’t allow an unformed hand, or a disability or an insecurity to stop you from shouting out VBS songs or simply sending up love to our father. I triple dog dare you :-p
Debrief. This happens typically at the end of month four and beginning of month five. Debrief is a four or five day period where the AIM staff come from America, and we stay at a nice hotel (with a pool, a bath, air conditioning, a bed and hot water), relax, and worship a lot! These four days were wonderful! God really showed me a lot during this time and I was able to get a much needed mini-vacation from missionary work. Being a missionary is much more tiring than I expected.
We did an open mic night where our squad mate would go up, sing songs, and do spoken words which is basically a poem that you wrote but in a really cool rhythm. This was a really cool time where we just really learned from each other and enjoyed in Christian community. We also heard a few sessions on positive attitude, how to give feedback to our teams, and the “prisons” of lies that we believe in our minds. We had several awesome sessions of worship and it was amazing! I am so blessed to have this awesome community and learn from so many people!
So now we have just gotten to our ministry contact in Cambodia where several teams come and go and work at a University. We will be holding bible times for the students who actually choose to come, and minister through that. We also have worship every Monday, and prayer time every morning. There is a prayer room, the most awesome cute, cuddly, pregnant ever who is my new best friend, and a roof to have quiet time on. I’m excited about our location and the spiritual growth that will be had in Cambodia! Please be praying for my financial situation. I actually had $400 American stolen from my wallet in my hotel room, so money for the next seven months is very limited. Please let me know if you’d be willing to donate to my personal account. I only have $40 a month now, and this just isn’t possible. I know God will help and provide for this. This has also taught me to take more care for my things and respect myself more in that way. Thank you for the prayers! Love you all!
